it was the envy and the jealousy ...towards the successful people.
I was looking for my place, for my role. I was dreaming that I could be like the others...
I clearly remembered that I was at the edge between the losers and the winners
I couldn't make  a step in any of the 2 directions. I was a winner for my talents and a loser for my disease...I was a winner because I hid my disease I was a loser because hiding my disease everybody thought I had no talents . what could be worse. probably confessing that I was ill and that the treatments were not working. I preferred let people think I was lazy and not ambitious , even insecure of my ability and ashamed of my look and weight!